So this is the thing. I’m kind of wandering between being interested in something for sometime and then not so much. A bit like a tender sapling, which is not so much a plant and neither a tree yet, flailing in the breeze. Sometimes here, sometimes there, but really not anywhere. Sometimes I think I’m too scared to stay once place for long, afraid that I might realise that I hate that place. Keep moving, keep changing, keep things fresh, new. Of course the same thing applied to posting here as well. I have learnt to not kid myself that I know what I’m doing. Well, not anymore. The more I age, the more I see how much I haven’t grown for my age.
I am a routine person. Clockwork should be my middle name. I like not having to think about things I do through the day. I like having my piece of toast with tea in the morning, looking out the deck door at the lone leafless tree, now sprouting life. Sometimes we engage in a bit of a chit chat, my daughter and I. One of the things I will cherish from this situation. I like having time to myself at night to waste as I wish (and then beat myself up for it later). Absolutely whiling away my Saturdays, filling it with nothingness and rushing my Sundays to get things done so that I’m not too hurried when Monday knocks. I’ll soon have to shuffle things around a bit. Change beckons.
The meditation-mindfulness-exercise routine has been thrown out of the window and replaced by this inane need to work relentlessly. Thankfully though, I have come to enjoy what I do, so I don’t mind doing a lot of it. Oh, I did find a job by the way. So that’s one less thing to worry about. It is not so much the over-working that bothers me. It is the disinterest in pretty much everything else. Well, except for gardening. I really like and want to do so many other things but can’t seem to be able to bring myself to do them. It is as if nothing really matters anymore but survival and the bare minimum. Sometimes I even feel a bit bad that I am doing so well than a lot of other people right now. Australia is officially in a recession.
I am another year older and for some reason this one has kinda hit hard. Not in a I’m getting so old kinda way. More like I can’t believe I’ve been alive for this long kinda way. It’s bloody unbelievable how little of what I wanted to do that I’ve actually done. Talk about ideals. Probably deserves a post of it’s own.
I haven’t anything special or nice to say right now. Not that I use this place to say particularly nice things. But right now, it is just this. The here and now. And getting through all that needs to be gotten through.