I couldn’t sleep last night. The whole night. I tossed and turned and forced shut my eyes trying hard to make myself believe that I can dream if I force myself to, but to no avail. I could feel myself wide awake. Not once did I think about something else. What is going on with me? Tisha told me today that my eyes look swollen. She sounded genuinely concerned about my sleep pattern. What a damn does she give, if I sleep or not? I’m sure she wants to hear how fresh and new she looks every day. Of course she does. She sleeps like a dead dog for 10 hours straight. She even bunks the first two classes almost every day.
In the cafeteria all I want to think about is how my laptop fan makes weird noise and that I need to get it fixed as soon as possible. Why don’t I think about everyone else like the next hot hunk around? I could see that our class hottie Gaurav was sitting diagonally opposite. And even his eyes didn’t look sleep deprived. Damn it. It is so embarrassing to be the only one to have sleeping disorders. People my age have all kinds of disorders. But no, I have to be the only insomniac around. No company, no fun, is clearly the college rule that everyone knows.
You might be wondering what I do at night, when I can’t sleep. Initially I try to force myself to sleep. I must have hope. And only some lucky night, I really get to sleep after I’ve tried. That is mostly due to the fact that my body is extremely exhausted with sleep deprivation since past days, and it automatically shuts down. On other days I just open my laptop and start typing.
Yes, I write. I have a blog to chatter all over because I don’t have anything else to do at night. I started a few years back but it was during day and now it has become a part of my life. I write about everything that happens around me. And even in my sleep I think about what to post and what to find out from other blogs. I save time by making posts in my head all the time, so I don’t have to open the blog and then think about the content.
I don’t know if it is because of blogging that I am an insomniac or because I am an insomniac that I blog. It’s really like a vicious cycle. I can’t sleep if I don’t stop thinking and I can’t stop thinking about something unless I get it out on the blog. And once I get it out on the blog I need to think about the next post. Do you see what I mean? Does it happen to you too?
Now it’s almost 5 in the morning and I really need to get to bed to make my parents believe that I slept through the night. Can’t risk my blog just for my sleep! Not worth it. 🙂