It is a big question for me. As in, “what do I really want to do in life?”. It bothers me that I still haven’t figured that one out. There are definitely things that I like doing, but I don’t know if they are “THE” things. I have been struggling with my concentration toward things I am doing right now, like my job. I don’t know if I really want to be where I am right now. There is this feeling there is something amiss. Time and again, I’ve failed to find out what it is.
Ever since I’ve started thinking independently, all I wanted to do was become self-dependent, in every way possible. I’ve made that possible. Then I started feeling the need to find my calling. I realize it is the only way I can really and actually be satisfied in life. I don’t think my calling is made of one thing. I have figured two out – travel & writing. I’m still in the process of figuring others out.
I appreciate Swaram and others like her, that they have found their calling. I’m glad for them. I wonder if there is a moment of enlightenment associated with it, so I know when I’ve found it. Or, a formula, applying which, I can get what I am looking for. How I wish. But life can’t be that simple, it shouldn’t. It’s when we strive for something that we learn the importance of it. I’m sure when I find what I am looking for, I will value it more, because I’ve had to work for it. All things of value come with a price. It can be anything : effort, failure, hurt, pain etc. If it came easy, it is most often of no value.
For once, I want to feel it in my heart, mind and soul. I want something to click, which will open my inner eyes and the path forward looks as clear as daylight. The rush and madness that engulfs when one is completely immersed in doing something, does it truly exist? Of course every body can’t be really happy doing things that they do every day. Also, not everyone bothers to find out if there is something else that they enjoy more. Most can’t afford it. It is sad place to be in. I wish people valued and respected each other more than things they owned. It definitely will change a lot of things, like our outlook towards life and things that we hold important. It would be like a dream, to be able to live like that.
Though I’m not sure how long I need to try to keep looking for it, I shall continue my efforts, for I don’t want to have a regret on my deathbed, that I didn’t even try, or gave up when I was just about to figure it all out. I’ve realized that the proverbs and sayings I’ve heard until now have a lot of meaning. To try until you succeed, to not give up when you’re down, to stand up and fight for what you believe in, to not accept failure until you’re done with are some of them. I try to draw inspiration from within and from people who’ve been there and done that and still continue doing it.
Here goes a shout out to all of them. “I appreciate you. Please keep doing what you are doing, for many people like me are motivated by you.”
I shall not give up until I’ve found it. My calling, the desire from the innermost corner of my heart, the light inside of me guiding my soul. At other times I would’ve found this too poetic, but today, I’m on a high of inspiration, giving it a spiritual edge.