Prologue: Living in the world we do is nothing short of race. We always need to make sure we are in the lead and are going where we need to, not where we want to. Our emotional side is always subdued by the need to make life easier. We forget who we are and what we need from our lives. We forget that we need to laugh and cry and love. We forget that love can’t be replaced by money. We forget to hold hands, to hug, to kiss and to smile. If you think all this is not true, think again, because you might just be living in denial.
This is an impulsive story of the outburst of a woman who has trouble with two conflicting feelings of her. It could just be a man too.
I’ve always thought of myself as this strong confident woman who will never bow down to anyone or get bogged down by anyone. I keep acting like a superwoman, for whom nothing is impossible. I am always the responsible one in a group and try to stay in control. But deep inside I know this is not what I actually am.
I am weak, I am inefficient and very very ordinary. I am one among the thousands of ordinary people who do mistakes, who live in denial, who cry, who are not perfect. I want to be that. I want that part of me to show. But somehow I am subconsciously good at acting.
I am a wife, mother, employee in regular life. But emotionally I am needy and weak. I wish I could shout it out loud but I can’t. Its like I am eternally damned to this type of life. The quiet sufferer. Not that anybody wanted to me to be like this. I am afraid, if I show my other side, I would not get the support I would need if I become weak. I will collapse beyond repair.
Life has been good to me. I am thankful for that. But that inner part of mine doesn’t agree. It doesn’t need all this money, clothes and stuff. It just needs a little bit of touch, a little care, a little love and a little understanding. I know all these things are hard to come by in this world we live in. Hence I continue to struggle to stub my inner self by wearing a mask. Don’t we all?
Talking about masks, I guess we all have forgotten our true faces, as the masks are very convenient for us to get by. Today, I decide that I am going to wear a happy-man mask. The next day, I guess I need some professional touch, I am going to be a very professional man. Now, I need to be friendly with everyone because that is necessary in this world man, we need to make and keep friends because, who knows when we might need one. So I become a friendly man. I am sick and tired of these pretenses. Now I want to be me. I want to show that I am this coward who wants to run away from everything. I want it to show that I cannot be a good friend to everyone, because frankly you can’t. People will need to accept what I am, my good, my bad and everything.
What made me say all this, is the years and years of pent up emotions. Everyday I come back to an empty house. My son is at the university chasing his dreams and my husband is working hard as he has been doing all these years. I warm the frozen dinner and eat it on bed and go to sleep alone. I wake up alone because the husband is an early bird who goes away to catch his worm. I don’t even get to notice his presence in the house, let alone catch dinner together.
Life rolls fast honey, you need to do all you can in those 24 friggin hours. Your wife needs to be understanding and not at all emotionally dependent on you so you can pursue your dream. Who needs all those smiles, laughs and tears. These days we don’t even have time to fight. Bloody unbelievable eh?
Yes, I have thought about divorce too. But then, I can’t think of falling in love again and going all that far to understand an other person only to see them change over time. Simply not worth the time and effort. It is convenient to stay in this marriage. See I am getting smart too. I think its contagious. So yes, it is kind of a marriage where we pretend to love each other. I know we do but that feeling is buried beneath all that has taken priority.
I wish I could just have a showdown and get done with it. Either he will accept it and move on or decide to throw away his mask. But then the practical side of me takes over and makes me see that living in denial is much beneficial, save for the occasional outbursts such as the one I am having right now.
But like everything else, this too shall pass. I know it will.
BTW I thought I moved on, but those silly love songs still make me feel that sting. I cried to this silly shit today – Back street boys. Is it normal? Why do lines like that always make me cry? Damn, I need to control my tear glands.