Of missing and things like that

I’ve been missing things a lot these days. A lot of things. Like travel, treks, meeting friends, shopping and suchlike things.  But I’ve felt really bad about one- missing watching Lucia and Gravity (IMAX at that). I still can’t leave the baby with a baby sitter for she is not bottle trained. I didn’t anticipate the need to leave a 2 month old with someone else. So until we start the bottle routine, going out is stalled (for me. Husband goes out all the time).

I also discovered that I get jealous whenever husband goes out to a place where I could’ve joined him. This is a first. I never used to get jealous when he spends time with his friends or goes on all boys treks and travel. Because then I had my own things to do. We girls would bundle ourselves around the city either shopping or window shopping or stuffing our faces with street food. Now that I can’t do any of that. I feel sad and weepy when he leaves. I know he’ll have fun. In fact I want him to have fun. But I still feel bad. I wish he would stay with me. But I’d never say that out loud. Because honestly, if I was him I’d not want to hear that.

Also being missed is the alone time with husband. I don’t feel that we are married or together any-more. It feels more like flat-mates, where I am a single mother. He can’t help much with the baby beside playing with her when she is in the mood. She doesn’t like very much to be rocked by a huge person I assume. So when she cries, it is mommy time, which incidentally is most of the time. So we haven’t talked much in quite sometime. I miss cuddling and daily updates. I co-sleep and the cot isn’t very big to accommodate the three of us and I don’t want to suffocate the poor little thing so the husband is shifted to the other room. Which, he is not complaining about as he gets to watch movies all night long. But we both miss the just-before-sleep talk.

Talking about missing, I miss my old self. Both physically and psychologically. My body has changed forever (about which, again, I have mixed feelings) and I’m more weepy (which I was not at all before). Is this a motherhood thing? Hormones? Some days make me think if I really wanted this. Then I see the tiny face with a toothless grin and I feel overwhelming emotion which I can’t put a name to. I am torn between being myself and being a mother. I wonder if it’ll ever settle down. Perhaps time will be the answer.


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