It is a dull grey day. The sky is overcast and it has rained a bit, early in the morning. I usually don’t find it gloomy. I find beautiful. I love the rain, the huge dark clouds, the chill in the air. It brings me joy. Whenever there is a cold drizzle, I just stand in front of the window, take a deep breath and smile. Today, I stood in front of the window and just stared at the sky, my mood pensive.
Yet again, I am at a stage where I am asking myself ‘what am I doing with my life?’. I am almost 32, with a demanding and rapidly growing child, no job, no future plans and no idea how to go about doing things I want to do. I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last two. What in the world do I want to do? What is my calling? How do I figure it out?
Time is slipping by, without me even realizing it. It is already an year since I moved here, to Melbourne and I still have no idea what I am going to do with myself or how I am going to change my life. Am I happy? I am not sure. Yes, I have a a good family life and a nice extended family with no drama. But I feel the lack of any kind of personal accomplishment. May be that is why I keep thinking about taking up challenges here, which tend to fall apart in the end. I feel like Julie from ‘Julie and Julia’ who can’t seem to be able to finish anything she starts.
I recently advised a much younger friend to follow her dreams and live the life she wants. She is deciding what to study. I think I have sufficiently motivated her to do what she loves. That, for some reason, got me feeling like a hypocrite. I limited myself at a time when ideas were freely flowing and my creative self was at peak. I chose the safe path, became a software engineer and got sucked into independence, having fun, living life etc. I don’t regret it one bit. In fact, I am thankful I did what I did, as it is because of that decision, I am where I am. But the need to do more, feel more, see more and live more is slowly building up.
My whole life, I’ve been trying to come out of the shell I seem to be hiding in. And it looks like even the shell keeps growing a bit, pulling me back again. I wonder how some people are so positive, motivated and optimistic all the time. I always let something stop me from doing things. Or I cannot figure out what to do in the first place. It is easy to say that we need to be happy with who we are. I am not. I mean, I am. But I want to be more. I want to set an example for my daughter. Well, you might say that I am doing my very best and that I am a good mother and wife. That staying home and doing chores is also work and that is important. I agree, but I am not someone who can be happy doing just that. And eventually it leads to times when I desperately search for motivation using a magnifying glass to get through the day. If that is not disappointing I don’t know what is. What would baby A think, a few years down, when she sees me like this? Would she think it is OK to feel sorry for yourself and not do anything about it? Or would she think I am a loser who couldn’t set her life straight and hence not worth paying attention to? Either way it is bad for her and my self respect and esteem.
But right now, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to go about it.
All I know is that I have to take it one day at a time.