I have yearned time and again, to give her the happiness, the life she deserves. But even though I have always been with her, I haven’t been able do any of that lately. It burns me like fire, when I see her cry every night, muffling her sobs in the pillow. I wander aimlessly just to avoid seeing her cry; hoping that if she escapes my eye, some of the pain would ease. Instead, I feel completely void and it hurts more if that is possible. My heart has probably shifted places, choosing her to me. Not something I could help. Hadn’t I always wanted it to belong to her? But I shouldn’t be so selfish. It isn’t fair to her.
Oh, how lovely she looked in those bright colour dresses. I could just look at her all day and still find something interesting in her every day. We were surrounded by such joy, I thought my chest would burst open at some point of time. I couldn’t believe the way she changed my perspective towards life, just by her mere presence. The crinkle of her eye, her beautiful smile, hearty giggles, everything about her captivated me. The time of the past, so lovely. And I treasure every moment of it. Because those are the only things I have now. I hold on to it like a drowning man holds on to a grassblade.
She doesn’t have to hold on to the past. She has a choice to move on and ahead and she doesn’t realize. I hadn’t thought someone would love her the way I do, until I saw him yesterday. He might not love her exactly like I do or as much as I do. But I have seen the way he looks at her, which says more than he does. He doesn’t expect her to talk to him or open up easily. But he finds ways to help her get on with life. That assures me she will be in safe hands.
Today my existence stands justified, or so I think, as I see the smile in her eyes through those thick transparent layers of fresh tears. She talked to him for the first time and cried her heart out, indicating that she trusts him enough to confide in him the pain and loss. She told him I had left her. Her words flew like thousand daggers at my heart. Did anybody give me a choice, to stay? Did that bloody moron ask me before he got drunk and drove over me? This is not my choice. Who chooses to leave their child alone in a cruel world? So I stayed, however I could.
Today as I stand looking at them leave my house to their house, hand in hand, some part of me knows things would be better. After all this is the man I had once loved. She turned back to have one last look at her mother’s house, searching for something. Was she looking for me? Knowing she would remember me gave me the peace that I was longing for. She exhaled a sigh, turned around and smiled at her father and I instinctively smiled, a hand reaching out to her. I know she will be happy. And this is something I wanted to see before I left, forever. I waved at the back of the van which moved away, and said a silent goodbye.
Note: Some of the old timers might remember this from my old blog. It is an old story that I wrote. I’m just editing and posting it as part of the love series that I have going right now.