Dear reader

Okay so this post is where I talk to you directly. I have seen people coming to this site even when the last post I’ve written was 2 months ago. So there are people who are finding things to read and are making use of this space.

This post is not about my explanation of why I haven’t written in so long, but a dialog between me and you.

So here is a question to all you lurkers and delurkers. What do you want me to write about? What posts have you enjoyed reading and what do you want to read more about? Okay so that’s two questions.

I want to write things that you are interested in reading and not just post gibberish to get it out of my head. Although, I might do that at times.

So go ahead and use up the comment space. If you are too shy, you can also leave me an email.

And don’t forget to like the blog page on Facebook so you can get notified when I do a post of your suggestion.

I’m on Mums Write

So, I submitted an article to Mums Write and actually got accepted. If you are a parent or are going to be one, this might be some useful information. If you aren’t a parent, then share this with others who are.

http://mumswrite.com.au/putting-yourself-first/

Published on Mums Write

In retrospect

Have you ever felt that moment of astonishment, where you suddenly realize that you are not exactly the same person you were a year ago? You see a photograph and wonder how in the world did you end up wearing such a hideous outfit or meetup with friends and remember a party, to find yourself thinking, how would you have gotten so drunk. The scenario might be different but the feeling of strangeness with one’s own self, the old self, creeps into the mind making us wonder. I’m sure most have felt. Some might revel in pride over the past achievements, some might regret doing things they did, others might feel they have actually changed for the better. Or may be something entirely different. It is different to different people.

I have been blogging since 2006. Holy s**t! I know. And I still have the old blog “It’s A Beautiful Life” (in case anybody still remembers). I am not going to delete it any sooner, as I have some very closely held memories of feelings, captured in that. When I am finally ready to let go of all that, I shall let go of the blog too. But for now, it is to stay. Sorry for digression, I do it a lot.
So here I was, reading through the old blog, post by post and trying to remember and feel whatever I felt, when I was writing it. It all started coming back. Not ready to let go then. But that is not what intrigued me. It was the way I wrote, that caught my mind. I almost laughed at how I had actually reflected the styles of the authors I was reading back then. It was childish, but it was something I did subconsciously.

My old blog

A screen shot of my old blog

I am not ashamed that I tried to copy others. I can see that those are the stages of my growth, in my own sense. I feel strangely proud at having tried. Clearly, I wrote for myself, because I found many posts with absolutely no comments. I was writing to vent, so that the angst and anger didn’t eat me up from inside. It is not surprising that many people didn’t find it interesting. As I said, childish stuff. I also found some nice, soulful poetry. It is when I read them, that it struck to me, that I am not doing it anymore. Not with that kind of frequency and brilliance. Where did that emotional, lyrical and dreamy girl go?

As I went through the posts, out of which most were purely venomous, I found that I was blabbering in a majority of them, instead of speaking about something clearly. I realized that instead of making a point I was dragging myself all over the place, confusing myself and others in the process. I guess that one attribute is still there in me. When I have issues and I know I can’t talk about them, I tend to blabber incoherently. Hopefully I won’t do it here.

I also felt that I have grown. Tremendously. I thought I was mature back then. May be I was, in my behavior and outlook. But in my writing, I was completely juvenile. And I am a little taken aback, to see myself now, clearly putting thoughts into words, spending time thinking how I want to articulate a certain thing. Blog, for me, is no more just a place to write my mind, but a place of a purpose. To mend my writing skills, to get feedback and improve. I want to write something of value, if not for others, but to myself. Of course, it will still remain a place where I put my innermost thoughts, now, in a better fashion. Or so I’d like to believe.

I’m sure that someday I will read this and laugh at myself. After all this too is still a baby step. I’m sure there will be a lot of things that I will learn every day from well-known writers, websites and blogs. I am fortunate to have been exposed to so much information and learning. I am hopeful to make use of it and come up with beautiful, thoughtful, hopeful, cheerful (among many other things) write-ups, which might sometimes also be insane, given that I am incurably crazy. That is going to stay with me forever, for I believe insanity is a blessing in disguise.

Insomnia and addiction

I couldn’t sleep last night. The whole night. I tossed and turned and forced shut my eyes trying hard to make myself believe that I can dream if I force myself to, but to no avail. I could feel myself wide awake. Not once did I think about something else. What is going on with me? Tisha told me today that my eyes look swollen. She sounded genuinely concerned about my sleep pattern. What a damn does she give, if I sleep or not? I’m sure she wants to hear how fresh and new she looks every day. Of course she does. She sleeps like a dead dog for 10 hours straight. She even bunks the first two classes almost every day.

In the cafeteria all I want to think about is how my laptop fan makes weird noise and that I need to get it fixed as soon as possible. Why don’t I think about everyone else like the next hot hunk around? I could see that our class hottie Gaurav was sitting diagonally opposite. And even his eyes didn’t look sleep deprived. Damn it. It is so embarrassing to be the only one to have sleeping disorders. People my age have all kinds of disorders. But no, I have to be the only insomniac around. No company, no fun, is clearly the college rule that everyone knows.

You might be wondering what I do at night, when I can’t sleep. Initially I try to force myself to sleep. I must have hope. And only some lucky night, I really get to sleep after I’ve tried. That is mostly due to the fact that my body is extremely exhausted with sleep deprivation since past days, and it automatically shuts down. On other days I just open my laptop and start typing.

Yes, I write. I have a blog to chatter all over because I don’t have anything else to do at night. I started a few years back but it was during day and now it has become a part of my life. I write about everything that happens around me. And even in my sleep I think about what to post and what to find out from other blogs. I save time by making posts in my head all the time, so I don’t have to open the blog and then think about the content.

I don’t know if it is because of blogging that I am an insomniac or because I am an insomniac that I blog. It’s really like a vicious cycle. I can’t sleep if I don’t stop thinking and I can’t stop thinking about something unless I get it out on the blog. And once I get it out on the blog I need to think about the next post. Do you see what I mean? Does it happen to you too?

Now it’s almost 5 in the morning and I really need to get to bed to make my parents believe that I slept through the night. Can’t risk my blog just for my sleep! Not worth it. 🙂

Here I am, again!

I couldn’t keep away anymore, even though nobody might read me. But I’m nothing if not hopeful.

I couldn’t keep away from chattering my mind out. I have been feeling the need to let the things inside my head out. Brilliant, now I need a place to talk to myself. Doesn’t everyone? And then there are those unavoidable opinions of mine, which I don’t like forcing down someone’s throat just because they are patient enough to hear me ramble. It’s just not fair. So lets keep them (the people) as they are aka good friends and go ahead and get a blog for all the insanity.

I know that everyone and their dog are getting a blog and going on and on about things. So how does that make me different? Well, when did I say I would be? I will let the people who intentionally or accidentally stumble here, make their own opinion of what I am and what/how I write.

Writing is something that I can’t help doing. It’s what I do all the time. I keep writing in my head, I keep trying to find time to scribble down those thoughts  onto a piece of paper, which I end up losing at a later point of time. I realised that I didn’t want to lose them after all. I like reading what I write and it kind of tells me how I’ve grown both as a person and as a writer, over a period of time. Writer, as in, a person who writes and nothing more attached to it.

So I have started this journey again; hopefully to continue in good spirits for a long time to come. Hopefully old friends haven’t forgotten me and new ones are always welcome.

 

So, until next time then.