A sense of peace has resided within me. I have been feeling it ever since I set foot in India. I don’t know if it was the travel or India or the fact that I am older (and hence wiser?). I realise that things don’t hurt or tick me off as they used to. Being born and growing up in India, I knew what to expect, both from places and people. I had made up my mind to not let things/people bother me. What surprised me most was that it wasn’t at all difficult to do just that. I was more relaxed and much more forgiving. As a result there was almost zero anxiety related to anything, however big it was.
Being back at places I have lived gave me an opportunity to remember old times and on more than one occasion I wished that I should not have let the bridge break. I missed a few people and wished I was more forgiving back then. I realise that things that I thought were huge back then are now of no importance. Most things turn out to be nothing with time. I was obviously too young, too inexperienced and too naive to see it that way. Now that I do, I have decided to not let things matter, no matter how big they seem. With time, we change and heal. I now believe in second chances.
Friends who were extremely close a few years back haven’t seen each other for years now. We lived in the same city but didn’t meet for a long time (before we moved). Now that I made an effort to reconnect and a few responded. We met and we picked up right where we left. It felt nice. I learnt that all relationships take a lot of work and effort to survive and sustain. Effort from both ends.
As I sit, my eyes closed (as I usually do when I want to imagine), I see my life, from as early as I can remember. I see the negative feelings I kept bottled and how they have influenced me as a person. Or, if I’m being honest, hindered me from growing. It now seems like a waste of time and waste of space in my mind. Have I finally learnt to let go?
It’s raining daily. Yesterday it rained cats and dogs, complete with lightning and thunderbolts. I was too excited and in my excitement hopped on the stairs of my home only to find a big monkey sitting at my door. It was merrily eating carrot. I stopped two steps from it and casually tried to make it go away by showing it the umbrella I was carrying. It didn’t budge and in turn showed its teeth while growling. I got my sign and gave it more time to finish its snack. After 20 minutes or so it was gone. Phew!
The heavy rains make me so happy. They always do. I still remember seeing heavy rain through the window while travelling to Vijayanagar from my old office. It used to be a long, cold and wet journey but the rain gave me peace. I can forget everything and just enjoy the rains. The heated earth which gets ready to burst every summer is cooled by the showers. People find ways to indulge in rains. Some like chai and pakora and other binge on pani-puri or other spicy snacks. For me it is masala chai or hot filter coffee with a nice book. And me all wrapped up in a huge blanket and sitting near a window or on a window sill, reading, enjoying the tip-tip sound of the rain and sipping the divine drink.
Rains bring back fond memories from every stage of my life. I still remember us playing in the mud and dirt and not worrying about the slush getting onto the school uniform, me worrying later about the school uniform and school shoes not drying up in time. When we lived in our old tile roofed house, we used to worry about finding all the places that leaked and placing buckets/vessels before the house flooded. Sleeping on a damp bed because it suddenly started raining in the night and dad was a bit late in waking up and making necessary arrangement for the leaking water redirection. Coming to the new house which doesn’t leak and starting to enjoy the showers in its true form. Sitting on front porch with hot milk and playing antakshari. Getting bone wet while returning from college because I forgot to carry umbrella and that didn’t hinder me from walking all the way because the house was close to college.
And more. So many more memories associated with rains.
Now the only place I am reminded of during rains is Coorg. We like to go there all the time, especially so during rains because it simply enhances the beauty of nature, pure untouched virgin nature. I like it far away from bustling crowds, stifling traffic and dirty slush. And the loads of coffee that we get to drink, given the chilling weather. It turns misty when it gets too cold and I love the cold. Rains make me romantic and poetic. It brings out the artist in me. I want to do all those things that I thought I wouldn’t have time for. I want to plant new plants, cook new stuff and basically be happy and full of life.
I can go on and on about rains, but all I wanted to say to the rains is: please don’t stop. Not yet at least. Let the earth completely cool down and the people relax.
You laugh, you cry,
You fail, you try,
You fail yet again and,
There’s a dream that you are
Not able to retain.
Lost strength which is
Difficult to regain.
A balance of thoughts
You can hardly maintain.
Now and then comes a blow
Strikes in might on your ego.
Now life suddenly is a blur
Down goes the person you were.
But at times like these, dark and cold
Remember the saying ages old
The circle of life keeps turning on
Not always will you be down.
Now you are down and under,
Its time for patience and pain.
The circle keeps moving and so will you
Happy times will be here again.
There will come a time, you’ll be up above
But you’ll not always be there.
The circle keeps moving and so will you
You will come down; beware!