Reflections 2016

Coffee Time Conversations Reflections

As a blogger, I am obliged to do a roundup post at the end of the year. Now it is already 5 days past the end of 2016 and time I got around to thinking of what to say. Was 2016 good to me? I don’t want to sound ungrateful and say that it wasn’t. But the real question is this. Was I good to 2016? Did I realise my potential and give my best to the year? Did I enjoy the days as much as I could? Did I take the opportunities I was given and/or create opportunities where possible? I’m sure you get the idea of what I am talking about.

Being true to oneself and coming out vulnerable but with true realisation is one hell of a difficult thing to do, when living in denial and false assurances is so easy. I am, right now, in the process of reflecting on the past year to not only recognise faults and failures but also to appreciate my small triumphs. I’ve come to think of retrospection as not only a way to improve myself but also an opportunity to pat myself on the back for things well done. However, in the end, what I take away from it is how I can do better in future.

So to round up 2016 in a post, which would be quite a feat in itself, to be honest, it didn’t go as well as I wanted it to. I didn’t post much, I didn’t accomplish much. To be honest, I didn’t reach my potential. On the other hand I was happy, well fed and rested. The baby grew up all of a sudden and so that was one less thing to worry about a little body getting hurt (she still does, it just affects me less).

I am truly grateful for all the good things in life (I already have). Doesn’t mean I can’t desire for more.

I am hoping 2017 will be a fantastic year to do all that I didn’t. So here’s me wishing myself a fabulous year ahead. I hope I meditate more, think more, listen more, act more, work more, create more, exercise more, enjoy more, love more and update the blog more.

I also wish all my readers an amazing 2017. Make your wishes come true. What did you wish for by the way?

 

Love yourself

There isn’t a lot of self love in the world. There aren’t a lot of people loving the way they already are. There aren’t a lot of people happy with the kind of person they are. We are taught to love and not hurt others. Why aren’t we taught to love ourselves as well?

I have struggled with my image to the self. I have felt inadequate and undeserving at the best of times. I still don’t deal fairly with compliments. It is an internal battle that rages at the worst of times. It hinders not only my efforts at getting ahead in life, but also eclipses the little bit of positive light and drags me to a dark bottomless pit of self doubt.

I don’t necessarily crave a comfort zone, but I have appreciated the lack of negative attention being a wallflower receives. At the very same time I have also longed for the rush of adrenaline a change or challenge brings. I want to feel good and positive and happy. And have hated myself for not having the courage to grab the opportunity with both hands (the threat of negativity and all). To get straight to the point, I have been afraid of judgement. To be fair to myself, I have been judged in the past. But to be honest, I am the one who has let it affect me the way it does.

Not plump enough.

Not beautiful enough.

Not fair enough.

Not intelligent enough.

In the past, when I received a negative comment, my mind would immediately go into defensive and then proceed to shut down. It was a reflex action, trying to lessen the impact of negativity and to protect myself from further harm. The more and frequently it happened with the said person, the farther away I drifted from them.

A simple comment like “you probably have darker skin than what suits that dress“, to my oversensitive ears sounded like “you don’t deserve to look pretty wearing that pretty dress, because you are dark skinned.”

I now recognise that it is more a fault with me, than with the others. People do it all the time. And there are all sorts of people. So expecting them to be nice and considerate of the possible insecurities I might harbour about myself is not fair.

Why I have gotten strong enough to make that recognition is because I have learnt to love myself. It isn’t a switch that switched on at a certain point in my life. It has been a very gradual process of introspection, retrospection, self evaluation that led to realisation. The hope to find a strength inside myself that I could pass on to my daughter. The hope to make my dreams come true. The hope to survive and thrive in this world that is sometimes too harsh than it needs to be. The hope to beat the odds and come out a winner. The hopes, dreams, aspirations and the ultimate decision of not giving a s**t to what anyone thought, collectively gave me the strength to be able to appreciate all I have and to love myself for who I am.

I have learnt to love my jiggly tummy marred decorated by trembly, silvery lines of stretch marks because they signify that I was once home to my beautiful, growing baby. I have learnt to love my crooked irregularly arranged teeth because I appreciate the fact that I have them in original, non-spoilt condition. I love my entire being, just because it is me, unlike anyone else that ever existed. At some point along the way, when I was looking for motivation, I discovered Nick Vujicic and I haven’t been the same. Initially I felt ashamed of having thought so little of my own self. And from there it has been a journey of internal healing and every day I try to be a little less hard on myself.

Loving myself hasn’t completely erased the fear of being judged. I still feel conscious when I go out or talk to someone outside of my comfort zone. I still have self doubt. I still feel insecure. But loving and accepting myself has laid out the course of healing, through which I can effectively deal with those demons. In the face of rejection, instead of thinking “I’m not good enough” I now think “I might not be good enough for them, but I’m still good enough for me and I’m willing to find out if I’m good enough for someone else“. I am willing to try, and try again and keep trying, despite the results. This is a reminder to myself to not stop loving myself, to not stop trying, no matter what.

There is a lesson in here for you, if you are looking for it. There is motivation. And most importantly there is lots of love from me to you, just for being you.

Repeat after me, because sometimes you just need to speak out loud to your inner self to wake up.

I will be strong in the face of adversity.

I will fight back when bogged down by insecurities.

I will stand up for my self worth

I will not give up on my dreams

I don’t care what anybody thinks

Because

I deserve to be happy

I deserve to be successful

I deserve all the good things in life

For

I am beautiful

I am strong

I am confident

I am unique

I am me

Incoherent ramblings

In a very forceful attempt, here I am, trying to write something despite having a dull thrumming like ache in my temple. I had to. I’m now almost scared my love for writing is dwindling and soon will be gone forever. I could never live with that.

What better way to start writing than to dump whatever has been going on in my mind. Isn’t that what I always do? Isn’t it why writing is therapeutic to me? Oh well. Guess we’ve arrived at square one. Again.

On a morning that is as lovely as it is cold, my heart has been telling me to up and go. To make the best of the day. To finish the chores fast so I can enjoy the joys of internet with a piece or two of dark chocolate. To try and make something of the garbled mess that are the thoughts and ideas inside my head. To do something. To just do something. And I am. I am purposefully sat here in front of my laptop, to make a post out of nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. But nothing that would probably be useful to anyone else.

Now that I have successfully blabbered incoherently for a big part of the post, let me actually get to the point. Right now I have quite a messy house which needs cleaning, toilets and sinks need scrubbing, my hair needs washing, my brows need threading and don’t forget the laundry and the dishes. On days like these, my to-do list overwhelms me. (I read somewhere that it would be too much if you have more than 5 items on your to-do list) So I did the most sensible thing and made two do-do lists. One for today and one for the rest of the items. Brilliant eh? Lets see how that works out for me.

Baby A has once again not been sleeping well. Well now you know phases can repeat themselves in a child’s life. And hence the headache that refuses to leave me alone. And the rest of the mess that I refuse to clean. Sometimes my patience wears thin because of sleep deprivation and I still haven’t learnt to handle situations like that. So, my to-do list gets longer.

Today, however, I feel better inside out. I am feeling this strong urge to do all the things that I have put on hold for no reason. I want to revive my love for all things creative and be once again the dreamer that I was. I am hoping that my mood swings will not interfere with my positivity. Oh I am having too many of them mood swings lately. So more on to the list.

On second thoughts, I should’ve called this post “my to-do list”.

Now for some motivation:

You become what you think you are. So think better of yourself.